💪🏽 How to be the Boss.

A letter on learning how to be all the things everyone needs you to be while not losing yourself.

As I’ve sat down to write these, I’ve realized that I’ve been unconsciously writing to my 30 year old self - brimming with potential and desire, but before she had taken the steps off of the traditional tracks into the great beyond. So I’m going to just embrace that. Same advice. Written much more personally.
***
Ah. How I can see you there. Sitting at the dining room table full of the same hopes and passions and fires that burn in me now, but not yet sure where they might be directed with an urgency and intensity that crowds everything else out. You are already brave. But you are about to find the true depths of your courage in the decade to come.

I’m proud of you. Hitting publish on your first blog, on your 30th birthday. It’s the first time you’ve shipped something out into the universe, truly of your own. It’s the first step to finding your voice. And it will teach you how to live with the constant insecurity and uncertainly of putting things out into the world for others to consider and accept or reject.

It feels terrifying but good, in a deeply meaningful way.

You have everything still to come - a life rebuilt in Shanghai for a year, 2 kids, still many moves. And the biggest of all - a completely rebirth of career, of purpose. A place to put all of that passion and spark and drive.

But oh, there was so much you don’t know. So much this me wishes I could have told you along the way.

And so I will. Instead of just a standard set of How-tos, I want to write letters to you, my younger self. And share what a decade of living and learning and loving have taught me.

Because you done good. But maybe there’s another 30yo artist or 21yo student or 46yo mother or 60 yo teacher only wondering how to press that first button. How to take that first step and then the second and the third.

And maybe this helps pays it forward.

xo.

me.

**

Hi.

Today I want to tell you about what I’ve learned about How to be the Boss. It’s something I’ve dreamed of since I was little, sitting in my father’s big black chair and dreaming of being in charge. Calling the shots.

It’s been those things, but so much more. The responsibility is huge. The demands unrelenting.

There are things I would tell you to keep in mind. Be kind but firm. Honest and fair. Have the hard conversations and be decisive. Above all, go easy on yourself.

I give you these words not because they’re simple but, rather, because they’re hard. They’re hard to live up to each day. To do right now. But that’s what it ultimately comes down to: showing up everyday and giving it your all.

• 🎯 Firm - Being a boss means seeing things to be accomplished and setting goals and dividing up the work and then holding people to those expectations. People need to clearly understand what those expectations are and how their talents and work consistently contribute to the goals. Erratic and inconsistent is what gives people heartburn and anxiety. Not a firm set of standards.
  
  So be firm and unrelenting in your standards. Hold people to the magic you know they are capable of and they sometimes forget of themselves.
  

• 😅 Honest - This is probably one of the ones I struggle with the most. I always want to share with everyone what is going on and how and why. It’s the teacher in me. And there is strength in that - trusting people to rise to the challenges instead of hiding things and “shielding” them, when people end up feeling duped or used or worse: betrayed.
  
  The trick though, is to not unburden all of the uncertainty you will see and have to bear, onto people that don’t have the tools or freedom to do something about it as you do. You’ll have to ask yourself: are you being honest because it makes you feel better or helps them? If it’s the former, consider sharing a piece of the truth they can handle and can hep you brainstorm about, without paralyzing them with the gory details of it all. Example: we’re about to run out of money in 8 weeks and we’ll all be out of jobs. Rather: We have to find immediate ways to bring in revenue so we can be making $50K/mo in 8 weeks. Any ideas?
  

• 💕 Kind: Above all, be kind. Or try your very damndest to be. Everything comes down to the people. The people that choose to take a chance on you. The people that choose to walk away from their other things to join your cause. The people that put their dreams and faith and belief into your hands.
  
  There is huge power in that. Respect them and honor that gift. Even in the hardest moments of firing or shutting down or frustration. Find the kindness and the grace. It will be what saves you from becoming cynical and broken and hard.
  
  Be there in your people’s hardest moments. Be vulnerable with them. But don’t expect to be their friend. It’s neither practical nor kind. You are not their friend when you hold their livelihoods in your hands. So don’t pretend to be.
  

• ⚖️ Fair: When you’re successful, you’ll get to grow the number of people you’re responsible for. Find the way to be fair to each of them. Not equal. But fair. That means doing the work to understand what’s important to them. Honor their need for recognition or challenge or reward as best as you can. Know that you won’t get it right all the time but set up systems that allow you to check in with people each month or quarter. Give them the time to own and teach them to advocate for what they need. Listen and be clear about what you can commit to and what you cannot. Then deliver. It’s the only way to build long term trust - by being fair and by following through.
  

• 😣 Be the bearer of hard conversations. Never back away from the hard conversation. The sooner you get good at it, the better. I’ve had to get really good at it. Like superpower good at it. But therein also lay my salvation.
  
  Everyday you’ll have something that would be made better by a conversation you don’t want to have. So instead of ostriching and sticking your head in the sand, use those legs and just run towards it.
  
  Message the person immediately and say: let’s chat. This works for a meeting that went a bit sideways to feedback you need to give to the very worst of them all: firing. Of course the lighter ones can be just casual but frequent and timely conversations. The harder ones need thought and forethought.

  One trick that I’ve learned: write what you want to say. Write it with respect and empathy as if you would be the recipient of this news or feedback. I’ve sent it to the person in advance and then scheduled time right after to talk about it.

  This has helped me be more focused on the message I want to deliver and counteracts my nervousness and tendency towards verbal diarrhea. But also, it shows a kindness to the person to ingest the information privately and process it and form thoughts. This won’t work for everyone but it has served me well.

• Be decisive. You will never, I repeat never, have enough information. The definition of marching into new spaces to build new things means that you will be constantly traversing the terrain of ambiguity. Uncertainty. Doubt. Get comfortable there. Then become decisive. The only way to survive is to take all the information you have, take the input of your very good, very capable people, and Make a Call.
  
  Step into your power, your decision and own it. People can hear uncertainty in the wavers in your voice, the uumms dotting your sentences. The best gift you can give your people is the comfort of your confidence.
  
  It feels uncomfortable. It can feel fake. But I’ll tell you what makes it better: quick and constant assessments. Implement the decision quickly and then see what happens. Relentlessly. Obsessively.
  
  You’re realize the most magical thing: it is near to impossible to get any decision 100% right. But you’ll quickly see which bits were right and which need adjustment. Which you’ll then do. Quickly and decisively.
  
  The thing is about this approach: you have to be okay with being wrong. A lot. Because the only saving grace is that you have to course correct quickly.
  
  So then, you get into a pattern of making many calls quickly and decisively in the span that others with do research and dither. This will quickly become one of your superpowers.

Being a boss has been one of the greatest gifts and privileges of the past decade. But it as also been the greatest source of my doubt and questioning - am I doing right by them? Am I leading them astray?

The thing is: when you hire the very best people they quickly make you forget these doubts and you get to live in the joy. The joy of a team working together for a cause.

So. Go easy on yourself. You won’t get it right by a long shot. But man, will you love it.

It will become one of the greatest gifts and labels ever bestowed on you.

xo.

-avni

PS - look for the role models that are aligned with how you view the world. You’ll think you should run your company and be like other people you admire (often men) and wonder why “it doesn’t feel right”. Because it’s not your way.

The quicker you accept that and step into the way you do things, the faster you’ll feel your power.